I have this friend whom I love dearly but she is suffocating me! I am a full time student, full time worker and have a life of my own. About a year ago this friend was dumped by her long time boyfriend and became rather depressed. I tried my hardest to be there for her and when I did she became dependent on me. She was living in filth it got so bad that my friend vomited from the smell of her dog feces in her Apt. I would not go over there anymore, I couldn't! She always wants to hang out with me but simply put, I never have a good time with her and she is just not herself. She no longer someone I enjoy having conversations with and she seems very checked out. I invite her to social gatherings that I go but she clings to me and I feel like I am her babysitter and if I don't talk to her every moment she thinks I am ignoring her. I want my old friend back but she is not there anymore and she is a very sensitive person and I cant just tell her straight out. I am also very worried about her appearance, she doesn't do much to herself anymore and I think she is never going to recover. She says she wants to meet people but doesn't talk to them or if she does it is an awkward conversation and they want out of it. What am I to do??
Concerned Kendall
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Suffocating Friend
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Kendall, Try to talk to your friend. I think the worst thing you could do is just walk away and start avoiding her. Explain to her that you can't be there for her all the time, but she really needs to pull herself together if she wants to move forward. Let her know that you have come to dislike the person she has turned into and while you have been there for her in the past, you can't continue to do so if she continues moping around and letting go of herself. For the main reason that she's become a different person. Hopefully, this will jumpstart her back to her old self.
1You didn't mention how long ago it happened but it sounds to me like she is severly depressed.Maybe you should encourage her to seek medical advice especially if it's effecting her physically. She needs to talk to a professional so she can start coming to terms with it. Long term relationships when they end, sometimes devastates a person to the point that you can't seem to function normally . It takes time to adjust to a breakup emotionally and to get back into the regular routine and she obviously is having a real rough go. Right now what she needs to know is that somebody cares about her.She will recover eventually so just don't give up on her yet.
2Yikes, I feel bad for your friend (and her dog), it sounds like a really sad situation. It's wonderful of you to be supportive but maybe it's time to be more honest with her. Remind her of the good times you two had in the past and of how happy she was then. Tell her you know the break-up was rough and that you can see she's been really depressed since then and that it concerns you. Then you need to tell her that you think it's time she seek some help from a professional. Medication may not be necessary, but a phychologist could give her some great advise on how to cope better with life and feel better about herself. You are such a good friend that she will know you are sincere in wanting her current situation to improve, so hopefully she will take your advise. Also, her apartment may have gotten so bad that she can't ever imagine tackling the cleaning job alone, maybe you could suggest she hire Merry-Maids or a similar service to help get things sorted out (a gift certificate from you would make a thoughtful gift as well). After that you've kind of done all you can, so just be there for her to talk to and know that you tried your best to get her the help she needs, she's lucky to have you in her life.
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