Everybody makes mistakes...but that doesn't mean those mistakes are forgivable. I'm not going to tell you what you did was wrong, because you know it was. How can you claim to be head over heels for him when you can't even control yourself when you are drunk? Plus, I don't think anybody can get that drunk to cheat like that, so don't even try to use that as an excuse.

I think you should tell him what you did. You deserve to lose his trust and this poor man. Relationships are about honesty and you need to face the consequences of your mistake. Obviously it will ruin your relationship, I can't possibly imagine why any self-respecting man would want to stay with a woman who cheated on him and is pregnant with possibly some other guy's baby. It is not fair to let him live in a lie just so that you can continue things the way they were. Stop being selfish and 'fess up.

Honestly, not to sound harsh, but I hope he leaves your cheating ass. Hey, if this was the other way around (like that post from a few weeks ago where the guy cheated on his wife and got another girl pregnant) we'd all tell the woman to dump his ass. So I wouldn't be shocked if your guy did after he finds out.

You need to tell him and accept the consequences.

If you don't do it now, it's very likely that you will have some explaining to do later. Whether it's his kid or not, something's bound to come up (where were your girlfriends? Wasn't anyone wondering where you ended up that night?).

And then, you know, morally it's the right thing to do.

Wow, I'm sorry, but this sounds like an episode of Maury Povich! Why wouldn't you use a condom if you had sex with some random guy, you are lucky you didn't also get HIV! Maybe you should get tested! Well, you have a couple of options here: wait until the baby is born and make the other guy take a DNA test without telling your fiance about it. If the other guy is not the dad, you are in the clear,-if you can live with the guilt about what you did. Or he is the father, and you have to tell your fiance the truth. If you wait that long, he probably will break up with you because you were not honest and made him think he was the father. Not cool. Or never find out, but I am suspecting you are the type of person who could not live with this. I think you have to tell him or the guilt will eat you up inside. If you would be able to deal with it, then take the first option.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this; I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you. I'm not going to give an opinion on what to say to your fiance; no one can answer that for you. I would suggest going to a counselor/therapist before taking any steps; you'll be able to be completely honest with someone who is trained to help people through these situations. I'll be praying for you, girl.

lmao! You f*cked up royally! I'd dump you for this in a second. You have to tell him and fast. And even if it's his, don't think that you haven't forever blemished your relationship. Betrayal inst kind on anyone, nor should it be.

I'm sorry but I never understood how people could use alcohol as an excuse for their actions. I love my boyfriend very much, and have gone out for wild girls nights. Heck I've even talked to guys, but regardless of how many drinks I've had I would NEVER leave with some guy.

I hate when people use alcohol as an excuse, if you TRULY love someone it would never of happened, drunk or not...

Sorry.

Very well put cvandoorn!

I, too, was thinking about how similar this is to the recent post where the girl's husband cheated on her and got the mistress pregnant.

To the original poster: Please get tested!

cvandoorn says it perfectly.

I also will add, get tested to see if you have STI or whatnot. Don't endanger your fiancee's health more than what you need to.
P.S. I think that you need to find out paternity for the sake of your child. Plus if this isn't your fiancee's child, don't you think it'll not be found out? There are so many ways to find out if it's his or not (blood type, etc) and then how can you justify it to your fiancee/husband?

I'm going to sound harsh too...but you need to tell him and you deserve whatever he throws your way. If he is as great of a guy as you say he is, then he deserves to be with someone that will be faithful and true to him.

I also have to say that blaming it on the alcohol is so lame. I've been pretty drunk before and NEVER have I EVER considered cheating on my husband. Nor have I accidentally had sex with someone. You cannot "oops" this away. You've done what you have done and you deserve to reap the consequences.

It's shocking to me that you'd even consider NOT telling your fiance. You need to sack it up and face the consequences.

okay guys...she got drunk...get over it, may it be the worst excuse or not. she knows she f*cked up. Judging her by her actions doesn't fix her problem or help at all. If you guys are gonna rag on her then just shut the f*ck up instead.

for the girl posting this:

Right now it's not about you or your man. It's about the baby. Get a paternity test. And of course, you gotta tell your fiance. Whatever he decides, that's on him and you gotta respect that. And be prepared for the worst. God bless his heart if he forgives you and decides to stay by your side.

And of course, tell the other guy that your pregnant. He has a right to know too. Remember that from now on you are responsible for the little person inside you. (it sounds like you're keeping it) You dont come 1st anymore. And this baby has a right to have a father, whether it's the biological one or not.

Stay strong. And don't worry, everyone makes mistakes. Get right back up and keep walking.

Hopefully she got the other guy's info.

From the sounds of it he was some random guy.

Talk about a mess.

i agree with everyone else who said that blaming alcohol is stupid!! people NEVER drink that much where they just wind up sleepign with someone else when they are in an EXTREMELY committed relationship

suck it up and tell him

he'll prolly dump you

I'm going to go against everyone because I know something they don't: every therapist will tell you confessing is an incredibly selfish act. It only serves to ease your personal guilt and bring harm to the other person.

Of course, there's a baby involved here, so the story is a bit different. You need to get the other guy DNA tested after the baby is born. If he's the father, obviously you'll have to come clean to your fiance.

If you learn by process of elimination that your fiance is the father, keep your mouth shut. Absolutely NOTHING positive would come of your cheating confession. Get into counseling if you're having trouble dealing with the guilt.

Now, get yourself to the doctor for STD and HIV tests.

You have to tell him. It's going to be awful, and there's a good possibility he could leave you, but you have to do it. If you keep it a secret, it will keep haunting you. You'll always feel the guilt and may wind up in a position where it's too late to tell the truth. It's just the fair thing for everyone. Your fiance deserves to know about what happened and that this child could not be his. Your future child also should not be lied to. If you tell him, you two may be able to work it out. He'll see how sorry you are and maybe forgive you and be able to move on from it. If you don't tell him, you risk him finding out from someone else and that's unforgiveable. Imagine if one of your friends tell him or if it just becomes obvious because your kid looks nothing like either of you. I've been assuming you're going to have this child. But the same applies about an abortion. When you're in a committed relationship like that, you just can't get an abortion without discussing it with him, especially since it might be his. You made a huge mistake, and there's nothing you can do to take it back. The best thing you can do is to be honest from this point on. You can't live a lie and expect to have a happy marriage.

Girl, you screwed up.

Firstly, do you want to have a baby?? Do you want to be a mom? Probably be a single mom?

You need to answer these questions first before you share your news with anybody.

Hate to say it but I think your relationship is already ruined, it was ruined when you climbed into bed with another man. Even if you never told him and even if the baby did turn out to be his, you think the guilt isnt going to eat you up inside?

And do you really think that if the baby isnt his and you dont tell him that he isnt going to notice that the baby looks NOTHING like him (and possibly not like you either) and wonder whats up?

And seriously, where were all of your girls when you left with this guy?(not that you arent TOTALLY responsible for your own actions) Didnt your fiance wonder where you were as well? One of your friends has to know or at least suspect that something happened. Would you rather him hear it from you or from some anonymous note from a friend with a guilty conscious? Secrets have a way of surfacing later and biting you in the ass- you got really drunk and slept with someone else, dont you think its possible that one day one of your friends might get really drunk and tell your fiance/husband that you cheated?
Even if (and Im not saying you should do this at all) you hadnt told anyone that youre pregnant yet, and you went and had an abortion and never told anyone about that either- later on down the line when you wanted to have children with your husband you would always wonder if you had aborted your first child with him and not to mention the possibility that a doc could be asking you routine questions with him in the room and ask you if you had ever had an abortion- the paperwork I fill out every time I go for my annual asks about miscarriages, abortions, full term pregnancies etc. He would find out eventually.

" . . . the possibility that a doc could be asking you routine questions with him in the room and ask you if you had ever had an abortion- the paperwork I fill out every time I go for my annual asks about miscarriages, abortions, full term pregnancies etc. He would find out eventually."

Sass317 makes a good point.

OP, (I'm trying to be delicate here), if (a big "if") you decide to have an abortion or suffer a miscarriage, you may not want to include your fiance in your doctor-patient relationship. Personally, my husband and I have different doctors, and we are NOT included each other's doctor-patient relationships. We've had our relative doctors long before we were married, and kept our doctor-patient relationships separate. Personally, that's how I like it, and it works for us. I've known my doctor longer than I've known my husband (and I've been with my husband for over ten years). Just a thought.

I disagree a bit with what luisamapacha said about confessing as a selfish act--it's only selfish if what you're confessing is something that only you can take action on. i.e., You're thinking about leaving your significant other, but you're not sure. Cheating on someone you're engaged to be married to and becoming pregnant are significant events that affect other's major decisions and lives. She should confess because if she doesn't, she basically forces her fiance to lead a life based on a lie about honesty and commitment.

Your first priority should be your baby of course, but you must also respect your fiance by confessing and letting him decide what to do about your relationship. The longer you wait, the more lives that will be devastated by your mistake.

--
"A dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman, and loose enough to prove you're a lady."
--Edith Head

Like Janine mentioned, your pregnancy is a secondary concern. If you had unprotected sex, there's a possibility of STD infection, even HIV and he has the right to know.

My suggestion is to confess, and try to work it out if thats something you both desire. I know this is difficult because you are also deciding about the pregnancy, but you cannot keep it to yourself and perhaps saddle this man with a potentially outside child or undiagnosed STD. You already know what's right, you just have to do it.

Sass,
It is not mandatory to disclose miscarriages, abortions, or full term pregnancies to a health care practitioner.

More importantly, any information she discloses would not have to be done in the husband's presence, nor brought up again while the husband attends an exam or office visit. Any Dr. worth their licenses would respect the patient's privacy and act appropriately for the situation.

I got drunk one time to see what it would be like, but other than barfing and falling off my chair, I acted pretty much the same way I do when I am sober (quote from my friend: "wow, drunk jJuliet is exactly the same as sober jJuliet"). I still had complete control over my words and actions, minus the fine motor coordination. Maybe other people react to alcohol differently and become raging nymphomaniacs, but if I could never imagine using the "I was drunk" excuse.

Sorry, I just always wanted to say that. I really have no great advice for you, you are just in such a terrible position. You could tell him and see what happens....you don't have much control over what he decides to do.

Sometimes, I wonder with this stuff if honesty isn't the best option. What if you just never told him, got over your guilty conscience, never screwed up again, and the two of you lived happily ever after? If you are both happy, what does it even matter what happened one night? If the kid has a good dad, it's not like she is going to really have benefited from knowing she might be the product of a one night stand anyway! I guess I'm really playing devil's advocate here. Cheating is the sh*ttiest thing ever, but maybe telling is just a form of self-punishment, but it probably would mean ruining your life.

As far as getting an abortion...I wouldn't do it JUST because it might not be his and you don't want to tell him. If you would have had the baby if you knew your fiance made you pregnant anyway, I don't think it should change just because there is a question of paternity. I am soo pro-choice, but I think it would be silly to abort just because you don't know who the daddy is and you want to keep that hidden. To me, it's worse to abort the baby for this reason than just to lie and say it was his in the first place.

In the end, I would tell my boyfriend, we are very honest with each other, I just can't help but wonder if that is the advice I'd give everyone. Is it worse to have a terrible secret, or possibly ruin your life?

Oh, and no matter what you do...don't eff around behind your guy's back again!

Er, juliet, I am sure it occurred to you that the fact your friend said, "wow drunk juliet is the same as sober juliet" probably meant you are in the very small minority where alcohol doesn't have an effect on your actions and inhibitions. But, good for you and all. Plus, "one time" is a very small sample size, try it more.

Snowbunny11, that's a vicious attack. You know better than that.

I agree with the other commenters. If you were so 'head over heels' in love with this man, NOTHING (not even alcohol) would make you do something this stupid. Shame on you.

Now I think that the most important thing to do is find out who the father of the child is, even if this means that you have to tell you fiance'. You are bringing a child into this world! Make sure everything is cleared up and figured out before you do. No baby deserves to be born into such a horrible situation.

I think your first obligation here is to your health, and to the health of your fetus. I would go to a doctor, get tested for STIs, get the fetus checked out - they might even be able to determine the date of conception (and hence paternity). After that, think about whether you are ready to raise a baby.

Either way, I think you should probably tell your fiance. It's not fair to marry him based on a lie. I know it's tempting to just tell your fiance it's his and start your family, but, these things have a way of coming out eventually and you could end up hurting your child most.

God, I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy. And I'm not going to be as harsh as some have been. I would be completely honest with your fiance and let him know everything. But I'd also be prepared for the consequences of his reaction. He might leave you, he might not. But know that trust has been broken and in his mind he may ask himself, "How do I know this will never happen again?"
Whatever you do, I really hope you don't have an abortion. It saddens me that some women behave like this and get accidentally pregnant, only to take life away. Whatever you do, I'm sure you'll live with regret. But it would be in your luck if your fiance forgave you.

I think I have to agree with luisamapacha - confessing is often more for your benefit than for the other person's. If (big ifs here) - this really is a one-time mistake, you really are not like this and there is no chance that you'll cheat again, AND this baby turns out to be the fiance's, then I say, don't confess. Just know deep down that you f'd up big time, and vow to make up for it by living with higher standards for your own behavior from here on out. Get checked for STDs and if you've exposed your fiance to anything, then you need to disregard this advice and tell him. I realize that this isn't a popular opinion, and its not the right option for everyone but I think its a valid one to consider.

I would typically tell you to not say anything and try to forgive yourself...but there is a baby involved. You can take the chance that it might be his child but there is also that possibility it might be unknown mans baby. If it's something you can't handle and the pregnancy is early on I would consider an abortion, because the stress this is going to cause isn't healthy for the baby. Tell your fiance what happened and hopefully he finds it in his heart to forgive you. I actually hope he does...

That's also great advice ufshutterbabe. I agree in that a confession like that doesn't really benefit the person you're confessing to, but more to get it "off your chest/conscious."

I think you feel horrible enough without everyone making you feel worse.
I want to give you a break on the lectures and just help you out.

So let me start by saying that I don't really agree that you still had total control over your actions when you were drunk.
I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that when YOU get drunk, you have NO idea what is going on. Your guy might be able to give you that benefit of the doubt too.

However, I don't think that lets you off the hook ---- what are you doing, getting so drunk that you completely lose it? And getting THAT drunk with GUYS.
And you are definitely going to learn from this and NEVER get that wasted again, right??

I do think that sometimes it is better to keep the truth to yourself if you know it will mess up something you really really care about. In this case, your relationship.
You will just have to live with the guilt (like they said- confessing is for yourself, not for him).

If you want to get an abortion and hide the truth from your guy, I would have to say that I see where you are coming from.

But either way, do get a check for STDs and don't ever let this happen again.

annbaby brings up a good point--maybe she was so drunk that she had no idea what was going on. I think being out of it and not being able to say no is much different than having the alcohol make you do things (which I still don't think can happen). Was this voluntary sex?

i'm gonna get crucified for this, but . . .

the only way you can get out of this is by having an ______, and pretending like this never happen. that is, if you didn't contract a hoochie-cooch disease (Herp, the HIVE, or the Clap).

or, you can pass the baby off as his ( hopefully the one-night guy doesn't look too different that you and your fiance, but you were drunk, so you may not remember.

i don't know what to tell you other than that.

And the other man's health history? You dont know what the child may inherit and or runs on his potential side of the family. Get counseling.

You need to tell him.
Not only does this affect your life.
This is going to affect his as well.
Wether this baby is his or not, the life change is going to be huge.
He probably won't trust you after you tell him.
And it's really up to him, as to wether or not this is something that he can stick around for and handle.

best of luck.

I think essentially you have only two choices, to tell or not to tell. If you don't want your relationship to be founded on lies you should tell him, if you don't want to feel guilty about lying to him for the rest of your relationship, you should tell him.

Other choice, have the baby and secretly have a paternity test and wish for the best. Apparently in America its estimated that around 10% of men are bringing up children that they do not realise are another mans. Does this other guy look like your boyfriend and have a clear medical history? This is however a very bad option, you'll have to lie to him and your child for the rest of your life.

There is another choice, but one I don't agree with; have an abortion, no baby, the only problem left is yourself.

And essentially there is another problem, I'm a great believer in unconscious desires and beliefs, I believe that if someone cheats, then there is an underlying problem in their relationship (I don't like to believe that people do something for no reason, I like to think that everything has a reason). Your relationship isn't as great as you believe, and you cheated because you aren't as happy as you want to believe, so walk away. I don't know you so I can't say that this applies to you, but there may be problems you don't want to admit. The problem is either you, or this manifested as a result of problems in your relationship.

If you want to do the right thing, tell the truth and face the consequences. Best of luck.

tell him. Hope he forgives you, you have pretty much a 50-50 shot that it's his. You can't get the baby tested until it arrives - so it's not like you can answer the question until it's already too late.

Whatever you do - do NOT try to pass of this baby as his if it possibly isn't. That's just downright evil. You f*ed up and you have to face the consequences - sorry.

And get counseling. Maybe for both of you, if he sticks around. I have a friend who was in this situation years ago - how she chose to handle it was to lie about the paternity (saying it was her husband's), and then secretly have the baby tested after it was born - but she was only able to do this because she was still in contact with "the other guy." If you're not, then you have to have at least your husband's DNA, and this type of thing isn't like a crime lab - they want blood. Not hair or saliva or whatever. (unless things have changed.) So your husband would have to know about the question and why a test is needed.

You already did the wrong thing - don't compound it by continuing to do so. The only right thing to do is to fess up and hope he stays.

HA! LilSlim - It is because of men like YOU that women don't trust men. An eye for an eye, right? Geez..I don't envy the unlucky woman that's going to get you one day. oh, and ps- posting naked or sex pictures of someone online without their consent is illegal. Doing that would make you just as dirty as the girl who cheated.

I don't condone cheating but I do understand that we are all human and we make mistakes. You are not evil or a horrible person for what you've done but the act that you committed was bad. I also agree with Michelle C and feel that if you cheated then you weren't as happy as you claim to be. People act and react to how they are feeling inside. Had you been completely happy and satisfied you wouldn't have done what you did. Happy people don't cheat (if they claim that they do they're lying...) That doesn't make it okay and the rest of us have just learned better ways of dealing with times when we aren't happy. I also suggest you go see a counselor to help you sort out your feelings. Unless you are very close to the end of your first trimester then you still have time to think about what you want to do. Personally I don't believe that the fetus inside of you is a baby already and I am 100% pro-choice so if that is the step you need to take, take it. If you think you can raise this child and be honest with the father then do that. Your counselor is the only one who will be able to help you come to the conclusion of what to say to your fiance and your counselor can help you deal with the reprecussions. If your fiance is as loving as you say then give him the benefit of the doubt - that he might forgive you and be willing to go to counseling with you to work through your problems. Be prepared to take the brunt of things, after all you did cheat, but lots of people are able to overcome infidelity and move on. People who really love eachother and understand true commitment are able to work things out or at least give it a try. People who give up immediately and kick their partner to the curb for every mistake are the same ones that either don't get married or remarry over and over looking for "the right one."

Best of luck to you and whatever decision you make. The truth always comes out in the end, though, so I wouldn't recommend keeping secrets.

First you need to accept responsibility for your actions that means you cannot use the excuse I hate more than anything in the world being drunk is not a reason to sleep with someone you did not know. It happened and the important thing to remember is you have options. Meet with a therapist or make an appointment at planned parenthood to talk over what your options are (while your there get yourself tested for any STI) that can help you decide what is right for you no one on sugar can make that decision for you. You made a mistake it doesn't make you a wh*re (grow up ladies name calling is just b*tchy) it makes you human. I wish I could be as nearly perfect in my relationships as a lot of you must be.

Chakra_healer

I was just speaking from my own personal experience with my own doc. I know the form I fill out when I go in for my annual (and I realize that when I am pregnant I likely wouldnt have to fill out that same form every time I go in) and I know my DH would like to go with me to doc appts if he could when we are having kids, to hear the heartbeat and see the sonogram etc- I think he would think it was odd if I angled paperwork so he couldnt see what I was writing or if I didnt want him to go to the doctor with me. And while I might not be required to disclose anything to my doctor, lying to her seems really stupid. Of course the poster has an excellent reason to lie, so maybe that is what she will do.

My point was simply that it would be difficult to keep this secret buried forever, especially if she tries to pass off the child as his if its not. There are so many things that could happen later that could expose it.

WHy are there straight men on here?!?!?

i'm sorry, but this(Dear Sugar)should be for women, the gays, and the occasional sensitive fella.

this is the Hen House, no Co*ks allowed. (LOL)

Lil SLim - you're an ass. Does your girl know you're cheating on her? Why do you feel the need to fool around with other women? So what if they want to sleep with you knowing you have a girl, can't you keep your d*ck in your damn pants? No feelings? What about the feelings your girl must feel when she finds out you sleep around? You're so disrespectful. And then to bash the OP. The nerve!

No matter how bad the mistakes people make are, they come here on DearSugar to get our ADVICE on what to do, not to get their ass laughed at. I wish people here would start giving advice rather than rubbing salt in the wounds. Don't get me wrong, you can tell someone off if that's part of your advice, but there's a difference between 'wow you've screwed up big time, I would suggest to be honest with your fiancé and tell him the truth' and 'boo you wh*re' or 'I hope he leaves your sorry ass'. Stop turning our forum into a reality show and give your opinion on what they should do NEXT.

thegiraffe - some people's advice is exactly that: be honest with your fiancé and tell him the truth.

What's so wrong about that? It might not be advice she would take, but that's what other people think is the right thing to do...

I agree with luisamapacha, and I believe it is common shrink advice that it is selfish. Find out who the daddy is. If it's the other guy's, yes - tell your fiance, otherwise don't. Get tested for diseases, if you have one, yes - tell your fiance.
And I also disagree with all the people saying alcohol is no excuse. What I would say is, if you truly believe the alcohol was the reason (and nothing else), you may need to take a serious look at having an alcohol problem and getting into a program.
I don't care what anyone else says. You made a mistake. Try to learn from it, but also figure out a way to forgive yourself.

You made a mistake, and your fiance deserves to know that you were unfaithful. Even one night that meant nothing has betrayed the trust your fiance had in you, and with a baby along the way, this affair now involves three people.

If you really want to be cowardly, you can always look into DNA testing with your baby's placenta...It's slightly dangerous to the baby, but at least you'll know who the father is early on.

I've read quite a few of the comments, but not all of them. I just wanted to bring up (in case no one else has) that it's important to know the medical history of the father, for the sake of the baby. I'm not going to give you advice on what to do. I think you already know what to do. Switch place with your fiance in your mind...and then do what you would want him to do..if the situation was reversed & he had a baby/impregnated some other woman while you were engaged. Would you still want to marry him?

I really irks me when people use the " i was sooo drunk" excuse. Thats bull and you know it. Being drunk does not make you do things that you dont want to do. If you were sober enough to realize that were having sex, then you were sober enough to know it was wrong. If you were too drunk to realize that you were even having sex, then you should re-evaluate your drinking habits. Sorry if Im being harsh...wait no Im not. It in furiates me when people cheat on their partners and then think being drunk is a good excuse. You can still make decisions when you are drunk and if you cant...like I said before you should re-evaluate how much you are drinking.

Oh and definatly tell your bf, healthy relationships cannot be built on lies. And this is a pretty big lie. He deserves to know, and you need to grow up and accept the consquences.

Hi cvandoorn
That's exactly the advice I don't mind. I was opposing very different type of comment: the kind where you just go boo hoo! you wh*re or basically just jeer at the poster rather than giving constructive advice.