Dear Sugar,
My fiancé and I go through phases where we will play fight. It's totally harmless, but sometimes we end up really hurting each other. He'll pin me down so I can't move, and it really scares me. I tell him this, but I don't think he takes me seriously. I ask him repeatedly to get off me, but he won't. Sometimes I end up defending myself by hitting him back or pushing him off me. He usually gets angry at me, which seems totally unfair. I'm smaller than him.
I sometimes wonder if this is real abuse masked in playfulness. It's never gotten completely out of hand, but he obviously doesn't listen to me when I tell him to stop. If asking him to stop doesn't work, what else can I do?
— Scared and Unsure Sammy
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Dear Scared and Unsure Sammy,
In most situations, constraining someone against her will is categorized as abuse. However, play fighting is not an uncommon sexual practice for couples, but it must be condoned by both parties. I'm not sure what purpose your play fighting is serving for your relationship, unless perhaps this a form of foreplay. Nonetheless, you should never feel scared; it is not OK for him to ignore your requests for him to stop, and I'm concerned that this could lead to an abusive situation later on down the road.
You need to put an end to the play fighting until you get it under control. I get the impression that you're not the one initiating these moments, so I think you should let your fiancé know that you're no longer comfortable with them, and you have no intention of partaking in them anymore. He may be offended, but don't let that deter you from standing your ground. I'd also suggest seeking couples counseling in you're really worried. It's possible that there is some deeper issue going on with your fiancé that you're not aware of. The therapist can also teach alternatives for this kind of play or ways of enjoying it in a safer context if that's what you'd like to do.
Remember that emotional abuse is still abuse and should be treated just as seriously. If he continues to make you feel scared and out of control, do not hesitate to seek help. As always, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline or your local women's health center.
The Body Shop
Celine
Dimensione Danza
Some couples like to play rough...
HOWEVER, if you say to get stop, he needs to stop. Maybe you guys should talk and set up a "safety" word for when you want him to stop.
I don't like rough play myself, but I have friends who do. It scares the crap out of me. And if it scares you too, you just shouldn't do it at all.
1This is just really odd to me.
If you feel like it's too "real", talk to him about it and tell him! And I suggest you guys find other ways to enjoy each other's company.
2Tell him when you're NOT play-fighting that you really don't like when he does that to you. If he continues, then, yes, I would consider that abuse.
But if you're smiling or laughing while you're play fighting and say, "Stop, really," he's not going to take you seriously.
3Sometimes indicates to me that it gets rough, you complain, yet you play fight again. Why should he take it seriously? If you guys can't respect the other's boundaries(obviously) then you shouldnt be behaving in such a manner.
4Why don't you and your boyfriend have a secret code word that would mean "cease and desist?" Whenever anybody (you or him) utter that word, it means that all action MUST halt. It's a serious request (different from a playful one).
It's a way to set a clear, distinct boundary.
Just a thought.
Also, have fun picking a code word. I heard "Philadephia" works well.
5Lol....RockandRepublic...I got SO mad reading your, "well you're asking for the abuse" comment, until I went back and reread the post and realized the asker said she and her boyfriend PLAY fighted!
I would either just stop the play fighting, it's probably something you can live without, and explain to him why, or if you continue to do so, set clear boundaries, maybe including a safety word as other people suggested. I wouldn't characterize this as abuse, but you should never feel scared of your boyfriend. You need to talk about this when you AREN'T in the middle of playing, and if your boyfriend gets angry and defensive about it then, or continues the behavior, then there IS a serious problem!
6tell him exactly what you are telling us,then if he continues i would get out of this relationship.
7I felt like I was reading something I would have wrote months ago. My boyfriend and I play fight often and it's just for fun. I'm not the typical girl and like to wrestle around and he did the same crap. It annoyed me because it didn't feel fair to me and it seemed like he was just trying to show that he could have control over me. So I put an end to it right there until he listened to what I was saying and put himself in check.
Stop promoting the behavior by play fighting with him again. Tell him how you feel and wait it out for a few weeks or months. If he does the same thing you need to tell him flat out that he doesn't respect you and you can't tolerate it.
8I guess people to play fight. but i never did it. it's kinda kiddie. plus, if i hit you, it ain't gon' be no love tap. and that leads to the problem the poster is having.
when things got too rough the first time, why did ya a*s engage in play-fighting again?
his dingle-berry a*s probably think you like it. or he's getting his resentment licks (nagging about his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, AGAIN) in on the cool.
i think you should stop playing like that all together. who is to say if he was to really pop your a*s one, and it gets dramatic and the police are called, he can always say "we were just playing". and i'm sure friends and family have seen you two play like that before. so he got witnesses.
if you gonna keep playing with him life that, you better learn how to chin-check him. THAT can be your safety word.
9Simple --> you're scared, you've expressed that to him, and he DOES NOT STOP (not like he was drunk or anything where he wasn't able to think clearly --> just an argument!) If this is not ABUSE, it is definitely on the VERGE of abuse...get him help or you better RUN fast! If doesn't take into consideration of your genuine concerns, you should leave because you never know the next time he might not be able to control himself and with that kind of attitude in a relationship, your relationship is not going to stay happy for long.
10Okay, this is going to sound SOOO weird, but this post made me think of my Dad. When I was little, he would start tickling me, and would continue to do so WAAAAAY past the stage of tears and supplications. Of course at first I'd laugh; but then it would become unbearable (have you ever been tickled too much?!) and I would beg him to stop, but he probably thought it was part of the game, so he'd continue. And it would tickle so much I would cry, but probably he thought I was crying because I was laughing too hard, so he'd continue. It's a wonder my nervous system isn't completely shot!
When I tell him "you used to tickle me until it was a total nightmare for me", he laughs it off and says "no! we were having such a good time!" - he has no idea.
all this to say, my Dad is the sweetest guy on earth, not an ounce of abuse in him; but he's also a big guy and probably never realized what was really going on and how overpowered I felt back then. Your boyfriend may also simply not realize that what he's doing is really scaring you. I would broach the subject seriously, and at a moment when you are not anywhere near play fighting. Establish some rules. And let him know that it's not because he's never felt scared of someone physically hugging him too hard that it means you can't - YOU'RE A GIRL, FOR CRYING OUTLOUD!
My boyfriend and I playfight sometimes, but he's skinnier than I am, so I don't really get scared - however, i DO get hurt!! It's all about the fear, I think. Talk to him - and make sure he knows you mean business!
11I agree with omilawd, try talking to him when you arent play fighting. My boyfriend and I do the same thing, he doesnt ever get rough with me, he mostly likes to tickle me until Im about to pee my pants.Im a very ticklish person ,and I really dont like it when people tickle me, but its hard to convince someone of that when you are laughing and giggling because they are tickling you. One day I just told him, look I really dont like it when you tickle me like that. And he stopped..well, he still tickles me sometimes, but not to the point that Im about to cry.
12If you feel comfortable to tell him everything then you should get a serious moment with him by discussing the situation.
13If he continue, you should really move on or else, the problem will get worst.
Speaking from someone who has worked in a field where I dealt with abusers and victims of domestic violence I would say that if you are serious when you tell him to stop and he doesn't then he might be displaying signs of someone who could potentially be dangerous. He might like the power he has over you at that very moment, when you can't move and are begging for him to stop, and that is VERY scary. I would talk to him, like everyone has suggested, when things are calm and this hasn't been an issue. You don't want to corner him because most men tend to react very defensively and that might not be a good idea. But I would talk to him about it and if it's all in fun then great.. but definently get a code word. Good luck.
14Scared Sammy- My husband and i play rough too and the key to keeping it enjoyable is to have a safety word for when it is going too far. Words like stop or no don't really work because it is such a common word you may blurt it out when you actually don't mean it, IE i practically hyperventilate and scream the words stop and no when being tickled or when he sits on top of me. We use our pets name as our safety word. This only works in the safety of a mature adult relationship and by no means do I think the words no or stop should be substituted in a dangerous situation. Best of luck to you.
15How about you stop playfighting?!
16That was my point. Why should her pleas be taken seriously if the next day they're 'play fighting' again?
17Many, many couples play fight and wrestle. You said yourself that it's just play. If you feel uncomfortable with a certain part of your play fighting, you need to address the situation when you are not in the middle of play fighting. You can't expect him to take you seriously in the middle of wrestling around, when you say no. When goofing off in that manner, he expects you to beg him to stop. I agree with the poster above who said that ya'll need to establish an "emergency stop code word." That way when you scream "hippopotamus," he knows you are no longer comfortable.
18Yah, I feel the same way when my boyfriend tickles me. Like some others have said, I'm super ticklish and it really hurts to get over-tickled. It's especially scary now that I'm pregnant. I'm scared I may get a miscarriage from him doing it. It's all a joke to him though and he doesn't listen to me
19yeah, I think someone above said it best: simple- if you're scared, or uncomfortable, and he's not listening to you, then you have a big problem. especially if you put yourself into situations where it can happen again- why do that? Stop the play-fighting now because apparently he can't get himself under control. And yeah, the power thing is probably an issue for him. I'd talk to him about that, and at the very least establish a safety word, something totally off the wall like "banana, banana, you mothereffer!" lol.
20I thought most people that do this have a "safe" word that they shout out when things get too rough for them. I can see both sides to this so before your next play fight let him know when I yell bunny rabbit or whatever that he knows that it means you want him to stop.
21Kick him in the nuts.
Then he'll get the message.
22Stop playfighting. Don't put yourself in that position over and over again if you don't like it. Talk to him about this and not wait till the next time you two start playing...
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