Let word get around. Calling someone to tell them they're NOT in your wedding seems a bit rude.

This has got to be the most 'selfish' problem I've read about. Human kindness and largeheartedness demands that someone who has been so sweet and close to you does not get disappointed. After all, is it going to negatively affect your wedding if that girl stands there too? If you really feel your wedding is going to be spoilt by this nice girl being part of it, you're really selfish. If she was unkind I could understand. But there's only one answer to this one.

*stops venting*

Tell her yourself. I think it would hurt her more if she just found out through the grapevine....that would majorly suck. Atleast if you tell her to her face, it kinda seems like you might care how she feels. Honestly, I would probably let her stand up there. If I had a group of girlfriends, and we were all close, I dont think I would be able to tell just one of them that they arent going to be in my wedding.

I agree with popgoestheworld: I would NEVER go up to someone or call them and say, "I know I was in your wedding, but you won't be in mine." I'd let the word get out on its own, and if said person asks me why she's not in my wedding, THEN I'd find a kind way to tell her that I felt closer to the other girls, though she's still a great friend.

If she has a problem with it, too bad. It's MY wedding, not hers, and I'm not going to spend my time worrying about making every single person happy when I have tons of other planning to do.

yup....the only people you need to inform about being in the wedding are the ones WHO YOU WANT to be a part of YOUR wedding...get what I'm saying? and anyone who feels left out can go fly a kite....sh*t, what is this? 2nd grade?

I wouldn't have a problem with her being there close or not. I acutally would love a big wedding. So having an extra person there wouldn't be a big deal to me...

I would think: who knows if she even wants to be my bridesmaid? Just because I was hers, doesn't mean I have to return the favor. I wouldn't explain/tell her either unless asked.

this is why the only bridesmaid i plan to have will be my best friend from the 2nd grade.
it's supposed to be a celebration, full of joy. For most people, it turns out to be endless work, making people feel less important, leaving people off of lists, costing them tons of money, etc. before you get wrapped up in all the details, consider what's important. do you really need 4 or 5 girls to stand there in a dress they hate? is there any way you could keep it simple? it's about celebrating your marriage, not making a huge production just for the sake of it.

honestly if everyone else from the group of friends was in the wedding party i would not have the heart to exclude one person. But since the choice is between telling her yourself or getting others to tell her I would tell her myself.. Clearly I would have to feel strongly enough about excluding her

I would just let her find out on her own. It's YOUR wedding. YOU decide who will be in it or not.

If I were in her shoes (the imaginary bride), I'd probably assign her to be responsible in other ways, like, the guest book (remember Miranda's role in her designer's wedding party?), or get her to be in charge of seating in the church, or whatever, that is IF she wants to. Instead of telling her 'no way you'll be in my wedding party' while she's already included myself in her wedding party.

I agree with giving the friend some other responsibilities in the wedding so she doesn't feel completely left out, but I wouldn't come out and say, "Sorry, you're not being a bridesmaid. But as a consolation prize...."

If it were me i would include her........Unless she did something to piss me off i don't see any reason why she shouldn't be a part of the celebration.But if i really didn't want her there, then my choice would be to tell her,but with some tact.Leaving it up to others by letting her find out through the grapevine is cowardly.

This is why when I get married I plan to have only my sisters as bridemaids, anyone else and there is bound to be drama!

i also agree about giving her some other role in your wedding besides bridesmaid!

While Im all for only having the people you want standing up for you when you get married- I just want to point out one thing: If you are having ALL of the other girls from this group except her be bridesmaids, youre going to have to realize that her feelings probably will be hurt, she will most likely talk to the other girls about it and some of them will probably feel sorry for her, which might lead to them talking about you behind your back. Im just wondering if leaving her out and having all the other girls might cause WAY more drama and heartache (not just for her, but for you too) then you realize. I would hate for the entire group to fall apart bc of this.

If you're just going to exclude her, be prepared for a broken friendship and also the b*tching and rumors that's going to stem into your girl gang after the wedding. Do you really want all that gossip at your wedding? And chances are some of the other girls (closer to her than the bride) might say; if she's not in, I'm not in, so this girl doesn't feel hurt. Now that would be Drama.

It's mainly the REASON why this bride wouldn't want this girl there (i.e. 'I just don't feel that close to her even though she likes me a lot and I was her bridesmaid') that leads me to say, just let her be there.

I guess some girls see their wedding day as 'their day' and they want to be all princessy and want everything to go their way and see their will as law on that day, but I feel it's a day of celebration where new relations are formed. There should be no place for hard feelings or hurt on that day.

(After all, you have the rest of your life to be treated like a princess...by your guy )

So true - Im so against the mindset of "this is MY day" and this is "MY" wedding. You are having a wedding so others can celebrate the joining of two families and two people - it's stupid and pointless to let petty stuff like this bother you. Since I dont know the circumstances of why this girl is being excluded- I say it depends on the situation. Keep it happy - why risk cutting friendships so you can act like bridezilla?

i don't think you tell someone they aren't in your wedding, how odd would that be? i had a similar situation and i never said anything to her about it and she never said anything to me. she told another bridesmaid that she was hurt, but nothing changed in our relationship. if she asks you "why aren't i in your wedding" i would say "there are others that are closer to (grooms name) and i, it doesn't change anything about you and me". if you want to include her in something have her do a reading or sign the guest book.

It's your wedding first and foremost, if you won't want her to be a bridesmaid then that is your choice but do not let anyone but you be the one to tell her though, that would be downright rude and you might lose the respect from some of your other mutual friends.

I would definitely include her in the wedding in some point though, ask her to help keep the sanity between the parents maybe or just other random tasks that way she doesn't feel completely left out.

When I got married I had a girlfriend who assumed she was in my wedding. I just went ahead and let her b/c we all hung out together and she didn't do anything wrong. I originally planned to have my cousins and my best friend. However, she wanted to do it. I just asked my husband to find another guy and everything was fine. IMO, if having another person is not a financial burden on you(they pay for themselves mostly anyway) and she genuinely cares about you, I don't see the problem.

For some reason, my little cousin assumed that she was in my wedding as well. She ended up being a junior bridesmaid. I did have to pay for her stuff though.

I was in this exact position about 12 years ao with someone I thought considered me one of her very best friends I know I thought of her that way and I actually told her how hurt I was to not be included in her big day as a bridesmaid instead I was asked to cut the cake which to me was a slap in the face. I did not feel part of the day instead I felt like wait staff. I actually spent the entire wedding day with my feelings very hurt. The bright side is I didn't have to wear the butt ugly dress she picked out. Out friendship was never the same after that day and we are no longer in eachothers lives. She lost a lot of friends because she did not invite them to her day and to me that is the saddest part.

You definitely don't just call someone and say, "oh, by the way, you're not in my wedding"...why would you even think that would be good etiquette???

Unless you really dislike this girl and/or she's been a sh*tty friend, I honestly think it would make your life a whole lot easier to just include her in your wedding party. Especially if the two of you are in the same "group" and have all the same best friends. Can you imagine how she'd feel knowing that she's the ONLY one who was left out?

I just don't think it's worth dealing with her hurt feelings and whatever negative reactions the rest of your friends will have toward you...because you know they will. TRUST ME.

Yes, it's YOUR wedding and you should do what makes you happy...and it sucks that you have to worry about other people and their feelings. But that's just the way it is. As someone who just got married 6 months ago and had my own fair share of bridesmaid issues, sometimes it's just a wiser move to go with the choice that will make things easier for you in the long run.

Good luck!!

I know if it were me I'd get down on my knees and kiss your feet and thank you for not having me in your wedding party. It's not all it's cracked up to be, not to mention very expensive.

I think it's just plain mean to leave out one person from a whole group of girlfriends 'just because'. But hey; it's your wedding. You can do whatever you want.

Easy! Only ask your closest friends to be in your wedding like you want. Hopefully she'll be gracious about not being asked. If she isn't then tell her. It sucks, but it is your wedding and you don't have to invite everyone... this is how weddings start to get out of hand.

I would approach her delicately to tell her my decision. I would talk to her before I make my bridesmaid announcement. I would do this out of respect for her feelings, the fact that she and I run in the same social circles, and the fact that I was once her bridesmaid.

I think this is the best way to handle this situatoin in a sensitive, mature manner.

Hopefully, she would graciously accept my decision, and give me her blessing. But that's up to her.

Damn, is the b*tch at least invited to the wedding ceremony?!

what a B*TCH!

it's like you're leading her on. you hang out with her probably let her pick up the tab at lunch here and there. heck, you may even have designated pedicure day with the girls, but she ain't good enough to be in your wedding, but everyone else in the clique IS?

you gotta come with a better excuse than that. i rather it say that you don't want her in the wedding because she's lumpy, and you plan on the bridesmaids wear halter dresses. or the fact that she photographs like a bloated pigeon. see, those are legit (shallow, but legit) excuses.

you know in reality if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd feel milky as hell.

i would be like,

"b*tch. i put her monkey-a*s in MY wedding. and she KNOW she ate more crab cakes than everybody else at the rehersal dinner. ok, DON'T put me in your wedding. and don't expect me to get the over-priced champagne glass set that you have on your fonky-a*s registery either.i hope you cake falls on top of you on your wedding day! muhhhahahahaha!"

don't tell me you wouldn't at least feel 2% like that.

I couldn't give an answer, I was too busy laughing at Asia's comments. I just want to know do you all hang out or talk regularly, the post seems weird; however, it is your wedding so you can do whatever you basically want.

If you don't want her to be your bridesmaid, then be honest with her. It's worse to lie or just happen to not tell her.

I'm not married and never had this problem. My sister is sidestepping the issue altogether by having her sisters fill the role of bridesmaids. I'm the Maid of Honor. I'm sure her friends are quite thankful that they do not have to run out and spend $200+ on a gown and accessories.

i got April-fooled once like this.

a friend of mines was getting married again ( i was in her first 2 weddings) and she was at lunch writing out who were part of the bridal party. and i was like, " . . .and Asia. . . ." and she gave me a blank look. then she was like, "oh, well. you weren't gonna be in THIS one . . .".

and just as the word "B*TCH" was coming out, she was like "April-Fools! you got punked." everybody at the table laughs.

i was like, "nah b*tch. YOU was finna get PUNKED!" but it was funny to me (they can never April Fools me).
but i was gonna snap that girl's neck, and i would've had good reason:
- all those fights i had to mediate at past weddings.
- and the kid running over her dress in his buggy-car, tearing the dress, and me sewing it back together minutes before the wedding starting.
-driving all the way to her house (atleast 40 miles) in the middle of the night after a LONG day because her marriage was falling apart (1st hubby stole hundreds of thousands of dollars. 2nd was a cheating-bastard)

i mean, the list goes on. i am a permanent fixture. i'm at the weddings AND the divorce hearings.

i wish a heffa would make me cut the cake at her wedding. i would give out oversized slices, and when cake runs out, i'll just play dumb. hey, this is better than me "accidentally" knocking the cake over . . .

thegiraffe-I totally agree with you. Its not really YOUR day, its about you and your man and bringing two families together, and the worst way to start that off is with drama. Not only that but excluding ONE friend is majorly b*tchy, even if it is "your" day.

Asia-you have got to stop posting things like this in the middle of the day, its not safe for me to bust out laughing at work!

"i wish a heffa would make me cut the cake at her wedding. i would give out oversized slices, and when cake runs out, i'll just play dumb. hey, this is better than me "accidentally" knocking the cake over . . ."

seriously...please stop.

this just happened to me recently. my friend of 20 years was planning her "shotgun" wedding and asked me to be in it. i agreed and even informed her i would be traveling since the wedding was out-of-state. well, a couple of days later, i broke up with her friend who had cheated on me (and mind you, she was the one that played matchmaker for me and her friend). now, i told her i didn't have a problem with being in the wedding since her friend was invited and i told her to not hold any grudges against my ex. instead, she pretends as if she never asks me and chooses other people. in situations like these, you need to thank jesus for opening your eyes and realizing who these people truly are.

It's extremely tacky to intentionally tell someone they're not in your wedding party. It just reminds me that people pump of their chests(over-inflate their egos)for such things. If you're not close to her, fine, but this whole, "she likes me more then i like her" assumes that you're doing this person favors by even pretending to like them. It all just sounds extremely b*tchy.

eta: looking forward to 'keepin' it real' tuesdays.

This is YOUR day and YOU are the only person that matters because it is YOUR wedding. Don't let anyone RUIN YOUR DAY! Ending friendships and alienating people is so insignificant in light that this is the most IMPORTANT day in YOUR life.

Omg...I was at this wedding once, and the bride let her really really fat friend be a bridesmaid, and I was like...I know they are close, but she totally should have told her she could not be in her wedding...she is seriously ruining HER DAY. Don't let that happen to you, I bet your friend is so totally ugly and that's why you don't want her in. I mean, she'll make you look good, but she'll totes fug up the pictures!!!

WAIT A MINUTE: how does a bridesmaid being fat ruin another persons wedding? just being fat is some how hurtful? seriously, explain this please.

It's a JOKE. I just swear to god, if I hear one more person say, "it's YOUR day," I'm gonna hurl.

I don't get how having this girl in her wedding will ruin it either? See?

ohhhh, okay. the "oh my god" entry sounded like a joke but then i couldn't tell, lol actually, i'm just now realizing that you wrote a second paragraph

second half of the second paragraph...i'll just stop now...

I say tell her because I was in a similar situation and it sucked. I was actually asked to be a bridesmaid and the bride assumed because I didn't have a whole lot of money to just take me out without even letting me know, I found out through her wedding website I was no longer in the bridal party. I confronted her and she apologized and immediately put me back in, I turned her down this time. So yes tell her, sit her down in person and explain that she is important and so on. Don't let her find out on her own if she is expecting you to return the favor.

ohkayla: that's messed up.

even if you were broke, i would've still tried to figure out how we were gonna get all your stuff. all the girls, including myself chip in on your dress , hair, shoes, etc. i wouldn't just assume and cut you out. that's mean. i woulda took my engagement gift back from that heffa. tell her you gotta return it . . .because you couldn't afford it. COW!

asia, you are crazy and i love it. but what's the deal with 'milky'? i'm lost there.

as someone who is dreading planning her own wedding due to lovely messed up families on both sides... good freaking luck with whatever you choose to do with the unwanted bridesmaid.

totally agree with pop--you don't tell someone they're NOT in your wedding!
however, if you know it's really going to hurt her, you should evaluate how difficult it would be to have her in your wedding.

A girl that I have been super close with just got married 6 months ago. She decided to only have her high school friends (we're 25) in her wedding party, some of which she only talks to once a year. Her fiance (whom I knew first) told me that was upset that she didnt ask me, but he didn't say anything to her. She basically she invited all these people she "used" to be close with and none of her present closest friends. I understood her reasoning sort of, but never said anything to her. Well, a month before the wedding, she called me crying, saying the more shes hung out with her old friends (bridesmaids), the less she realizes she has in common with them anymore, and that she really wishes she has asked me to be in the wedding. I did a reading instead.
The point of this, is some people don't really think when choosing their bridesmaids, and later end up regretting their choices. I suggest you have this girl in your wedding, because I have a feeling their will be some negative consequences in the future if you don't, throghout your gorup and friends.