DearSugar and Weary Wendy need your help. After an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage, she's afraid to become intimate again with her boyfriend. They love each other very much, but she's scared. If any of you have been in a similar situation, she'd love some advice.
My boyfriend and I recently found out I was pregnant. It was a shock because we've always used multiple forms of protection. We were in a really bad position to have a child, both still in college and living 400 miles apart. When I told him the news, we both broke down. We fell asleep holding hands and crying on the couch. Two days later, I had an early miscarriage. As upsetting as an unplanned pregnancy was, this miscarriage was also pretty hard on both of us, but my boyfriend has been unwavering in his support for me. After the first night, he apologized for reacting so selfishly and for not acknowledging what I was going through. Since then, he's been the most amazing partner I could ever hope for. In the wake of these sad surprises, our relationship has become stronger and our level of intimacy has grown exponentially.
My problem, though, is that both of us are nervous to be sexually active again, especially since when we conceived, we were using a condom and I was on the pill. Neither of us wants to be in this position again so do you have any advice for us? Was this just a fluke?
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Christian Louboutin
I think this is something you need to talk to a doctor about, not advice column readers. I have no idea what the chances are of getting pregnant while using two forms of protection. Your doctor might be able to recommend something more effective for you. Good luck! Sounds like you guys have a great relationship.
1I agree, talk to a doctor, figure out if there is something making your current birth control less effective (perhaps you were on another medication) and if perhaps you need a different birth control all together.
Good luck!
2I agree, talk to a doctor, figure out if there is something making your current birth control less effective (perhaps you were on another medication) and if perhaps you need a different birth control all together.
Good luck!
3This was my question! I didn't know that I'd ever see it up. I did end up going to my gynecologist and switching over to depo-provera injections because my regular medication was interfering with my pill, which I had never known before they put me on it. And since then, we're back to a sexually intimate relationship, and while it doesn't have its former vigor, we're on our way
We love each other very much and we're closer than ever. Thought you'd like to know!
4Glad you went to the gyno, fireannach! I think Depo is a great idea, the Pill has so much room for error. Best of luck to you and your boyfriend during this difficult time
5fireannach, that's great!
6When I had a miscarriage it was really hard for me to be intimate with my husband. It's such an emotional time and the last thing on my mind was sex. It's relieving to know that your relationship w/ your boyfriend's gotten stronger.
7Like Jen and the other recommended, go to your gyno and talk about it. Best of luck to you.
I read somewhere that some pills can lose its effectiveness after a woman has become 'used' to it. I do not know how accurate this information is, however. Depo is excellent but if you don't want to take the shot, NuvaRing is also a very good form of birth control, too. It has a consistent release of hormones 24/7 and easier to manage since it's only switched out every 3 weeks and then 1 week without. The pill, on the other hand, although you may be correctly using it at the same exact time everyday, it has inconsistent hormone release--from high levels upon taking it to low levels at the 23rd - 24th hour until you take your next pill.
8She's asking for advice on how to be intimate again, not for medical advice. For the medical aspect, she should see her gyno and perhaps switch birth control.
You're having trouble being intimate again because you're afraid of it happening again. When something is emotionally in the way of sex, then it's going to hinder you. Since this plan of action isn't working, a different plan will (hopefully) reinstate your confidence in your contraception. Something like a new type of birth control or perhaps having him withdrawal before ejaculating even with a condom on (yes I know pre-cum has semen in it but it still lessens the chance). Since you have such a strong relationship with your man, rebuilding intimacy will happen, it just takes time to rebuild your confidence.
Maybe in the mean time, you can try other ways of being intimate without having intercourse, like oral sex, where you know you can't get pregnant. That too may build up your trust and confidence, till you're ready to take it again to the next leve.
9"Is this just a fluke?" she asks in reference to the method she and her partner used. People who have used various methods of birth control have more experience and some medical advice to offer. So, let them advise. It is already apparent the issue stems from a birth control mishap which IS a medical issue. Duh. The only way she could reestablish intimacy i.e. intercourse as she implies is by gaining some insight of what could have went wrong and what other safer, more fail-proof methods are out there. She can then go to a gyn with this pre-existing knowledge and make an even better informed decision. The knowledge and usage of safer, more fail-proof methods would definitely alleviate fears of pregnancy which is causing their intimacy issue in the first place.
10If you switched BC within three months before this incident, that could explain why the pregnancy occured - and condoms can break if they're too tight, etc. But definitely ask your gyno about this to ease your fears.
11To Meike: I didn't actually ask "is this just a fluke," it was added in. And the issue, again, was not meant to be a medical question, like cjmara805 said. I don't think it is implied that we could only be sexual (fyi, not the way I define intimacy in my relationship) once we settled our birth control mishap, and that was never my intention if that's what readers found in my question. I was simply looking for some support and advice about rebuilding that aspect of our relationship, that would help us work through the hard time we'd gone through.
12For whatever reason, I had been told I didn't need to worry about my regular medication interfering with the pill I was put on, and I didn't realize there was a problem because I hadn't gotten pregnant before (been using that pill for almost a year). I guess this time we were just too fertile or something, haha. Anyway, I went to a new doctor and changed to the shot, which is working really well. We're not concerned that I will get pregnant again - we know it was a very rare instance. It was really the combination of the two events in such a short amount of time that caused a lot of stress and nervousness that kept us from being comfortable having sex. But again, we've given it time (this happened in December) and we're back on our way to rebuilding our sex life.
13So glad to see things are working out for you again! What a scary situation to have gone through - doubling up with condoms AND the pill and still getting pregnant! It certainly would have terrified me of ever having sex again.
Have fun with rediscovering your sex life! It may have come been a product of a difficult time in your life, but you are getting a rare and wonderful chance to explore you and your boyfriend's sexuality again - I hope you enjoy it.
14Beautiful Wendy,
I went through this exact same situation without a supportive boyfriend (dearsugar.com/390741) and it was just so terrible. I was terrified to ever have sex again! I understand that it really is so hard to cope with and you are normal and okay for feeling gun-shy. Here's what I suggest:
1. Have a conversation with your boyfriend about what the 2 of you will do if you do get pregnant again. To be honest, after my miscarriage, I suddenly found myself feeling ready for a baby which I didn't expect at all! He sounds supportive, so you might feel a lot better just knowing what will happen if it ever happens again. If you are more and love than ever, this will be a good conversation to have and will build trust and intimacy.
2. Tell your boyfriend honestly that you want to be with him but you are scared and you'd like to explore things that put you at less risk of getting pregnant. Your body has been on a roller-coaster and it is really important he understands that. Take it easy on yourself. Waiting a few months is no big deal, and I've learned if he respects you at all, it shouldn't be a big deal to him either.
3. Learn to 69! I'm a pretty shy person so I won't give details, but it can be incredibly romantic and better than sex! If you don't know how to do it comfortably I'm sure some of the bolder ladies on this site can be more specific if you ask them. Plus it can make you feel safe because you are so close to your partner.
4. When you're feeling more ready, go ahead and have sex with a condom and have him stop before ejaculating. This will make you feel more safe/comfortable, and there are sexy ways he can still finish with your help.
5. Ask your OB/GYN to teach you about your cycle. If you feel super worried, abstain on your most fertile days. Also, if you really don't plan on getting pregnant for years, ask about other methods of BC like the ring (best BC ever--no worrying about if you took it at the same time every day and no weight gain) or an IUD, which is non-hormonal, since your body has been through a lot recently.
Oh my gosh this post has become so long. Eek.
Most of all, don't make the mistake I did and don't be scared to talk to someone you can trust about all of this. People love you and you will feel healthy and happy and sexy again!
15And PS, fireannach I am so glad you are doing better! My advice is to you and to any other "Wendy" who is going through this, because I think it happens to more people than we might expect.
16Oh goodness, this post got me a little nervous since I'm on the pill and we do use a condom (usually...sometimes...hardly ever? Oh crap). However, I'm comforted by the fact that my boyfriend will act just like yours did and support me 100%. With sound medical advice and some time, I'm sure you two will have no problems re-establishing your sex life.
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