christians can have fun too...have you thought about joining him? it might be nice to go out and be with him.

Sometimes is hard to let go... sometimes as you grow you stop believing certain ideas... sometimes people change, sometimes you and your partner decide (unconsciously)to start walking in different directions... and its hard to let go.

My suggestion would be to ask yourself what exactly is bothering you about his new lifestyle. Is it the drinking? Is it the socializing with people you don't know? Are these events getting a little risque? Is it the frequency of these get togethers? This will help you decide if you are overreacting to the situation or if he is changing in a way you can't accept. It will also help you explain your position to him. If neither of you are willing to compromise, it might be time to move on.

BTW...In my opinion, hanging out with the guys every now and then is just fine and doesn't go against any Christian way of life. But, that is my interpretation of my faith.

I know exactly how you feel and its not a good feeling. I think that you should think very hard before marrying this young man. Not that he's a bad person but once you live this new lifestyle of his its very hard to go back to the lifestyle he had before. The after work partying is not going to stop at the office so he'll have to make the decision to not participate and it seems like he doesn't want to do that just yet. When you're married and you don't believe in the same things a lot of problems come up. Not that you can't make it work but it will be a lot of hard work.

My husband and I attend church. I find it hard to handle when he starts being bad (drinking and falling away). Maybe I expect too much out of him? Maybe I just need to let him answer to God and not me. He doesn't go out alone, that is something we have agreed upon! Too much can happen. An afternoon out with his buds, that fine, but a night at the bar is asking for trouble.
~~~ Niki ~~~

asking for trouble?

Yes. Bars are meat markets. Single women are home wreckers. Put married men in a bar with home wreckers and you get trouble!
~~~ Niki ~~~

The Bible never says that going out with friends or drinking alcohol is a sin. It does, however, make it clear that getting drunk is a sin and it also urges us to hate the world. We should feel out of place in a worldly setting; we are, after all, aliens and strangers here (1 Peter 1:11-12).

This man claims to be a Christian. According to 1 John, Christians walk in the light -- meaning that they love Christ and show that they do by living in obedience to Him. 1 John also makes it clear that, if he claims to be a son of light, but is actually walking in darkness, there is no light in him (1 John 2:3-6).

Your duty is first to love him as a sister in Christ. But how do you show this love? According to Matthew 18, you are to go to him privately and, in love and with all gentleness, confront his behavior. We don't do this in order to judge or condemn, but in order to show our brother that he is in sin and needs to be reconciled to the Lord. Sin is first and foremost against God, after all. What matters most is not your relationship with him, but his relationship with God.

In the end, after you do all that's prescribed in Matthew 18, if he still refuses to repent, you are to treat him as a "Gentile or tax collector" -- that is, you are to have nothing to do with him. This is not to punish him for his sin (only God has the authority to do that), but so that 1. he might feel the weight of his sin and 2. to preserve the purity of God's church. God cannot look upon sin with favor (Habakkuk 1:13).

As his relationship with the Lord should be his priority, so should yours. If this relationship is hindering you from loving the Lord as you ought, you've got to sever it. It's hard (I've had to do it myself, so I know), but you have to honor the Lord first. That's the only way we can really love others in the way that's best for them, best for us, and best for God's glory.

Oh my... I can hardly believe you really feel this way. When you were single, before you were married, did you consider yourself a home wrecker too? I can agree with you on the fact that bars are indeed a place where people meet and start dating, but it can also be a place to just have fun with friends! I'm not suggesting he should drink or anything, but can't he enjoy himself in a way that's not against your beliefs? If you love your husband and you trust him, what's wrong with him going out with his friends to a bar? The majority of single women out there wants to find someone that is single too! I don't want to be disrespectful to your religion, my mother is a Christian too, but I just have trouble understanding your point of view.

I don't trust my husband. We are rebuilding that right now. The moment I started to let him have his nights out - he had an affair with a girlfriend of mine, who was also married. I was recently seperated from my Husband this spring and summer ~ all the guys I met had one thing on their mind and nothing more. If someone is taken I won't touch him/ I work with all men, some of which have tried to hook up with me while I was seperated and I told them NO they were married, I'm not a homewrecker. Sorry I have been married twice and both men have cheated on me. The only reason I stay with my husband is because I have a child with him and all guys want is sex anyway.
~~~ Niki ~~~

Escape, as a single woman, I take offense to your generalization.

It takes two to tango. A single woman who hooks up with a married man, is wrong, no doubt, but the man is even more guilty. He's the one who's breaking the commitment to his wife. He's the one wrecking the marriage.

Wow you guys are really catty here. That is why I don't like women!
~~~ Niki ~~~

Doesn't sound catty to me

I'm not being catty. I'm just defending myself and all single women I know from your unjest generalization.

And it sounds to me like you don't like ANYONE. All women are catty homewreckers. All men are untrustworthy, sex-crazed perverts. So be it, then. Good luck to you.

escape~
my best friends are single women, they don't go looking for married men. a married man makes a poor boyfriend, lol. i don't think whip sounded catty, she didn't call anyone a homewrecker.

I'm not being catty. I'm just defending myself and other single women from your unjust generalizations.

And, to me, it sounds like you don't like ANYONE. All women are catty homewreckers. All men are untrustworthy sex-crazed pigs.

When I said homewrecker I am calling women that look for married men. Not every woman at a bar. I am just warning this girl that there are home wreckers out there. You guys are just too defensive.
~~~ Niki ~~~

Damn these Internal Server 500 Errors! They made me post twice!

I thought it was OUR server here! Whip...

i've been having the internal server errors all day. boooo-urns.

You're the one who made the blanket statement, Escape. If I'm being "too defensive," it's because your statement was too offensive.

If you didn't mean it that way, then fine. It's cool.

We're not meaning to be deffensive, we're just explaining our point of view. And considering what you had to deal with in previous relationships, I totally understand that you don't trust him completely Escape. I just wanted to say what Whip said: it takes two to tango. But I oppose against all single women being called home wreckers AND I'm sorry for you that so far, you've only met men who tried hitting on you.

Nikki I'm so sorry you've gone through so much. I just hope that you don't feel like you're stuck in a marriage with a man who cheats on you because all men want is sex anyway. I think good men are hard to find but its not impossible. There are family oriented men out there who are committed to their significant other. If you love your husband and want to forgive him and give him another chance that's your right as long as you don't lose yourself or forget how valuable you are.

Don't think he got out of it without being guilty. To this day if he looks at another woman I threaten him. I am sorry I posted Single women are homewreckers. I am talking about SOME women. Most married men that want to cheat don't wear their ring or show they are hooked up with someone. So how are you to know that they are with someone, that secret comes out much later after the damage is done.
~~~ Niki ~~~

Homebody Helen, I can see why this situation is bothering you, but urge you to have more faith in your boyfriend. It sounds like his life is extremely stressful and difficult right now and that he is going out with friends to relax. If he is really a trustworthy man and you two have had honest conversations about your expectations for a future together, then maybe he deserves more credit than he's getting from you. Not everyone goes to the bar to get trashed and go home with someone. He's probably listening to the music, having conversations with people who understand the stress at work, and maybe having a drink or two to relax (the Bible does not forbid alcohol). You should see if the two of you could plan some activities together that you can both enjoy, such as going for a hike, swimming, or to a museum. Ask him honestly what he does at the bar and if it sounds like fun, why not join him occasionally? The key is honesty and trust, and if you have that then you probably don't have much to worry about. If you think you have grown too far apart then maybe it is time to end things and look for someone who's beliefs are more in-line with your own.

Being a lawyer is very much a socializing profession. Continually turning down his coworkers invitations to join them for an after work drink can change an entire offices opinion about someone. People who don't drink can run into the same problem and it looks like your boyfriend is running into that wall.

Stop stomping your feet and quietly condemning him. Just because he's gone doesn't mean he's done anything un-Christian. How about sitting down with him and talking rationally. Offer to go with him a few nights, meet his co-workers, join in on what he finds relaxing. Experiance what he does before you jump to the conclusion he's turned into a deviant. Give him a chance before your martyr yourself on your high moral convictions. If the relationship really means something to you, other than something you can hold up as a perfect Christian example, then talk to him about it in a way other than to demand he quick or accuse him of something.

wow-lots of good debate here-first-escape, I am really sorry that your situation has happened to you-my sister had the same thing with 2 husbands also-but there are good men who don't cheat-if it doesn't work with your husband at least you know you tried. As for the poster-good advice to talk to the boyfriend and maybe see what goes on with his work friends and his social outings for yourself. Keep an open mind-then decide. My nephew is very religious-christian and doesn;'t drink and he goes to clubs sometimes with his friends to listen to music and dance. Good luck

I just have to jump in here...a little late, & really mention how much the book

~ Fascinating Womanhood, by Helen Andelin ~

really, really turned things around in my marriage!

It's totally Christian & Bible based, and just a beautiful beautiful, fully practicle, Christian book about marriage & you'll be readily able to start to apply the information within the first chapter.

Women have a lot, & I mean A LOT of power in these situations. We usually use it TOTALLY wrong though, because the society we live in teaches us soooo backwards in so many ways!

We were having such a hard time, but now my husband is sooooo thankful that he has me in his life, now he really does just adore me (because I now know exactly what to do to help him through...to my satisfaction as well.....whatever it is he is going through). And I know this all sounds to good to be true...we do have our rare moments of having a hard time understanding each other, but really we totally agree on everything steadily (& sincerely) for a couple of years now. I completely understand him now, & that is no easy feat when it involves a man, when you don't have the correct info to work with!

It really has been amazing for me to have come accross such an awesome book & such awesome training it provides, which our modern society just does not know about! And something I was able to put into practice & then watch everything turn around so beautifully & deeply to both of our satisfaction.

The author really really brings out what the Bible tells us about making a marriage work....no matter what! If you can put her Bible based teaching into practice, not only will you be deeply satisfied, but so will your husband!

Anyway, PLEASE! If you can pick up this book like TODAY & read it quick cover to cover (& then a few more times), it will give you soooooooooooooooooooooooo much more insight into being a married women & what men need from us & what fullfills us deeply, as women, as well.

I'm not even Christian (not neccessarily), & neither are any of my friends, but I've had to buy several copies because whenever I lend my copy out.... the friend will ABSOLUTELY refuse to give it back. I had a couple of friends who just threw money at me, & the rest didn't even bother to do that...it's just such a good book!

Anyway I can always get a copy off the shelves of any major bookstore! Get the modern version, she originally wrote the book in the 60's, but it's been updated wonderfully, by the author, more recently.

Okay thanks for reading all that...lol..I do get really long winded in my comments around here.

Love! I know with the right information you can make this work for the betterment of both of you! I absolutely love being married now! And that is saying a lot.

why are you people trying to tell her that she isn't entitled to her feelings? she posted that her man is living an "unchristian lifestyle" and she is uncomfortable with it. that's the issue, not her belief system.

okay helen, it looks as if you and bf are at a crossroads. if socializing in this manner is part of his job description perhaps it's time he look for a new job. if he is happy with the "new him" you have a bigger issue. if you are active in your church there should be a minister that can speak with him (and you).

i would be very upset if my dh started going out with the boys to bars. let's face it, they don't go there for piano lessons. trust your gut.

Since when don't Christians drink!?!?

These comments can't possibly be representing the 'average' Christian, can they?

i think its ok to have fun and drink.. as long as its not extreme.. drinking i mean.. partying can be as extreme as u want

My boyfriend and I are both in professions that are often helped by socializing and networking in and out of the office. I never really understood why he felt the need to go out with co-workers and other attorneys so often until I started doing so within my own group. When I do go out I definitely don't get drunk or do anything wild because 1) I wouldn't want to hurt my boyfriend and 2) I'm with the people I want to impress and over doing things at a bar after work could ruin my chances of furthering my career. I think you should have an honest discussion with him about his nights out and why he feels they are important. I doubt he's getting trashed if he's out with people from his firm. He's also probably building important contacts who could help him in the future. I don't know what type of firm he works for but I doubt they're going to the type of bars that home wreckers hang out.

Homebody Helen,

Seriously? I encourage my husband to go out. It does him good to hang out with his friends, drink a little and watch a game. I trust my husband totally. It sounds to me, that all of this is more of trust and possibly codependecy issues you're dealing with.

If your form of Christianity dictates that all alcohol is bad, and it's something you truly believe, then you need to move on. It hurts, but you shouldn't expect him to conform any of his values to you. (Side note, I'm not Christian I'm Jewish. There are a few holidays that the Jews are mandated to drink and 1 that you MUST get drunk on. I'm pretty sure those parts are in the Christian Bible too.)

Don't blame his company for 'encouraging an UnChristian lifestyle'. His values are changing. You either need to reconsider your values or reconsider your future husband.

Also, I can kill you with my brain.

Wow, I signed up just so I could respond to this thread. Everyone seemed to ignore what Valeri said, and I think she was right on. Why is everyone trying to tell her that her belief system is wrong? That's not the issue, and I think its extremely judgmental to act like you know better than she does. Her values are important and valid to her, and it doesn't matter if you agree with them or not.

She is simply saying that her boyfriend has started changing his behavior and it makes her uncomfortable, and asking for advice.

I think you need to seriously think about how important it is to you that you share the same values. If you can deal with the differences, then great. However, it sounds like it is important to you. Good luck in whatever you decide to do!