I thought the same thing. Can't you keep your last name professionally? I have a good friend who is a lawyer and kept her maiden name. But legally, she is Mrs.HisName. And she loves it when I send her mail with Mrs. HisName on it!

I respect your point of view though!

This one's tough... but yeah, I think a good compromise might be to let yourself be referred to as "Mr and Mrs HisName" on the wedding day, but keep your name the same otherwise. KrisSugar's idea is good too! In my opinion, a successful marriage involves quite a lot of compromises - not just one person getting his or her way all the time. This is a good time to for the both of you to start working on meeting each other half-way!

I think all your reasons are legit and very reasonable. But relationship is all about comprise, before you come to a conclusion, maybe you should understand his reason behind it. I guess you can change your name legally, (good luck filling all the paper works) and continue to use your maiden name professionally. or you can make people start calling you Mrs.hislastname and then dont change it legally. or change ur name @ your 10 yrs anniversary like Sarah Michelle Galler. Oh Congradulations on your engagement and have a wonderful wedding!

my friend does the same - she changed her name legally but still uses her maiden name for work. this could appease both sides.

I agree with all the advice that a good route would be to be Mrs HisName socially, but retain your name for work. Having the same last name does make life alot easier in some respects, especially in emergencies, but its not mandatory.

However, on your wedding day, no matter what you decide, I think you should be introduced as Mr and Mrs HisName. Your wedding day is the start of a new family, and I just think your husband wants to demonstrate this by uniting under one name. You will get called Mrs HisName no matter what on your wedding day, so just go with it. Once the wedding is over, people will call you whatever you want.

I definitely understand wanting to keep your name after getting married. Especially professionally. My sister kept her name but then took her husband's last name after 6 years of marriage.

I think marrying someone and sharing a name solidifies something between a man and aoman; like really making you a team; a family. And it's so much easier on any kids you might have down the road. My poor nephews have these crazy, long hyphenated names.

But it IS a personal choice, and only you know how strongly you feel about this.

This is a tough one since it really is such a personal decision for both of you. And, since it's *your* name being changed, it feels like it should just be up to you. But, it really is an issue that involves both of you. Right now, it doesn't sound like he's very willing to compromise. But, he's going to have to. You guys need to sit down and both list any options that you would be comfortable with - change your name personally but not professionally; don't change your name but be willing to use The HisLastNames for occasions like the wedding, Christmas cards etc...; hyphenate; maintain your own names but hyphenate the childrens'; etc...... There has to be at least one option that you can both come to terms with. This is YOUR name and this is HIS idea of marriage. They are important issues to you both.

I had the same issue with my now husband. We argued quite a bit over it. However, when we finally were able to discuss it rationally, I realized that in his eyes, not taking his name was a rejection of him. Also, he wanted to have a "team name". So I ultimately decided to change my name, but keep my maiden name as my middle name. This way I can use whichever I like.

Marriage is about compromising... find a middle ground that works for you both.

Yeah, I plan to make my last name my middle name when I get married.

Your fiance does sound a bit like a baby though.

Maybe it's just me but, if you've stated your feelings on the issue and he is ignoring them because they aren't inline with his wishes, compromise seems unlikely.

My husband's last name is long, difficult to spell/pronounce and at the end of the alphabet. I'm not changing my maiden name. While I may at a later date, that's my decision to make and my husband recognizes that.

I guess my question is, if you 'compromise' and give him what he wants (while it directly goes against what you want), what's going to happen the next time he wants something that you don't?

take the name on the wedding day....and on paper.

and keep your maiden name for your profession.

Please figure this out before the big day.

What if the wedding deejay just announces you by your first names.

"Introducing, for the first time as a married couple, ____ and ____!"

I don't think you should give in and take his name altogether. But maybe you could keep your name professionally and even socially, but change it legally. Then his last name will be on your drivers' license, bank account, etc., but you'll still have your maiden name otherwise.

That's what a woman I know did when she married a guy whose last name was, no joke, Jurkovsky.

I don't understand why is such a big deal here that you change your last name for your husband last name. In my country when you get married they just add your husband last name after yours but without the hyphenated (we used the word DE). So when I got married here I hyphenated mine and that was it, my husband didn't even ask me or say anything it was just the normal thing to do because that's what we are used to.
Why do you need to change your name to demonstrate something, is not enough that you love him and want to marry him??
For me that whole change your name thing is stupid . My name is my name and nobody can take that away from me .

Grrr...this issue infuriates me. WHY do we still participate in the patriarchal tradition?! Is he trying to own you? I would never marry a guy that was that sexist. Yes, marriage is about compromise, but not compromising yourself. Changing a name to me means sacrificing your self-identity and I would never do that. If he REALLY wants to have the same last name, then he can take your name. If he's not willing to do that, ask him why? He probably would say that that would be humiliating (hmm, works the other way too) or annoying/impractical for his professional career (hmm, same as you!!!) My other compromise would be to create a new name together, which would be annoying for everyone involved, but at least it would be about equality and creating a new life together.

LOL Whippy- Jurkovsky

I agree with DearSugar and the general points here- compromise is the key. Make sure you do what both of you can live with and dont do something that will ultimately not make you happy. I see your point though, I LOVE my name- it is all French and pretty and fun to say, and professionally it works for me. If I marry my current boy toy I would have this lovely French first name and a Polish last name. Ew. I would probably take his name legally but continue to use my maiden name professionally.

I had the same issue with marriage #1. I gave in and it just never felt right. I think it was a sign of him being stubborn and selfish, which was then manifested in other areas of our relationship. I was TOTALLY thrilled to change my name back after our divorce.My current husband wanted me to change my name to his (which happens to be long, complicated and goofy sounding), but after making my feelings known he respected my wish to keep my maiden name. There are many ways to compromise, as evidenced by the choices people have mentioned in their comments, so hopefully the two of you will be able to come to a middle ground.

When I got married I opted to have it hyphenated. My husband didn't seemed bothered by this (though his family did) but I chose to keep my maiden name for personal reasons so I can understand you. You should be able to be Mrs. Hislastname personally and keep your last name professionally.

I wouldn't change your last name professionally with a publication record already to your credit. I don't know many female scientists that do that, but then I don't know many that are pressured in the way it sounds like you are. Most of my friends with biology Ph. D.s keep their maiden names legally.

You are not being stubborn if it sounds like something you will regret. You can't make him understand your point of view if you have already honestly expressed your desire to keep your name. Hopefully he'll take your concerns into consideration.

I recently got married and am keeping my last name. My husband never thought I would take his name. Out of the blue recently I told him I would take his name as a hyphenated name with mine if he legally took the same name as well. The ball is in his court with that decision. It is not a priority for us though and may not come around again until we have kids.

Good luck with your decision. Just don't end up doing something you will regret.

I feel for you, poster!

I was in a similar predicament when I got married. Here's what I did (and it is a bit passive-aggressive): I never officially changed my last name. I go by both names - deciding spontaneously which name to go by depending on the company.

It's part laziness and part not wanting to part with my maiden name.

I kept my maiden name with my husband's blessing. However, I still get referred to as Mrs. HisName from his friends and family. I don't mind, but officially, I kept my maiden name.

If my husband insisted I take his name, I may have.

May I ask if your fiance is Christian? If he is, his insistence may be rooted in his religion. In the Christian faith (I may be mistaken here), but when you marry, don't you become your husband's flesh (like Eve was of Adam)? So you two are of the SAME flesh? And that's why you should take his last name? I'm not Christian, but that what a Christian friend once told me. Just saying.

In Spain we never change our names when we get married and kids have two names, the first name of the father and the first of the mother, although parents (or the kid at 18 years old) can decide to change the order of the names.

Because of my culture, I´d never accept to have my name changed. Anyway I think that´s a very personal question, so you are the only one who have to decide it!

Glowing Moon: Spain is a country traditionally Catholic and we have never changed our names because of getting married, so I think it´s not a question of faith, but of pride and stubborness.

If he wants to be united under a new last name then why don't you create a new name together? I read a NYT article about a couple who got married and the husband INSISTED that the wife take his last name. She agreed on the condition that he take her first name. I believe they are both called Lindsey Johnson. A bit confusing but they both got their point across. Whynot create a new last name that is a combination of both names? IE Smith and Johnson turns into Mr. and Mrs. Johnsmith. I don't think you should compromise on this... especially since he sounds a little *cough sexist* insecure about you making choices for yourself.

By compromise I mean take his name.

why do you have to be the one who has to give in on this issue? I am not saying that you shouldn't compromise, but if he knows how important this is to you, then why can't he compromise with you? If he is this stubborn over such a small matter like a name, what is he going to be like over something really big? I wouldn't give an inch and consider postponing the wedding

I don't believe a woman should change her last name if she doesn't want to. If your fiance wants so badly for you two share a last name, there is always the option of him changing his last name to yours. Or, is he so adamant about going the 'traditional' route which is, for the most part, based in chauvinism?

My FAVORITE compromise on this was a professor who had publications, etc, and BOTH she and he changed their names to Mr. and Mrs. HerName-HisName. I was so shocked when I started working with her husband, and found out his last name was hyphenated too. I thought it was a VERY neat compromise- especially since they have 3 kids.

I swear, I don't see what all the fuss is over about taking your husbands name. I never would assume that it means that you are his property. Rather, it is a tradition and a convenience. But, I respect that a lot of women have differing views on the matter.

Based on what she wrote, I don't think that the original poster wants to take his name at all. So I don't think the suggestions that she change her name legally and use her maiden name professionally are that helpful. And I do not think that she should be forced into the decision by husband or family.

Regarding the wedding day, like it or not, you will be referred to as Mrs HisLastName at many points in the future. (i.e., family friends who assume you took his name, teachers at your future kids school who assume that your last name is the same your child, etc.). So, I would make this compromise and allow yourselves to be introduced as Mr and Mrs HisLastName on the wedding day, and stick to your guns about keeping your name legally.

It pisses me off that people think YOU should be the one to compromise and take his name. It's your freakin' name! Why should you have to give up such an integral part of yourself just so he can feel manly?????? UGH.

I would be introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Hisname at the wedding. It sounds like you two are really digging in your heels, and this comromise might make him a little more receptive. He needs to know that you're not rejecting him or your union, and this will help accomplish that. This is a purely ceremonial thing, and no one is going to take it as the standard for referring to you. And in the end, this is one reference on one day- not a legally binding change that compromises your identity. So you can give in there.

As for the rest of your life, I would do the opposite of what most people have suggested, and keep my legal name Myname, and personally go by Hisname. This allows you to really compromise, and both get what you want- when it's important to him (like to his family), you can go by his name, and when it's important to you, you go by your name. I know it probably sounds like a hassle now, but it really isn't that big a deal in practice.

If he still pushes for legality, hyphenate. Then, once again, just go by one of the names depending on the scenario and who it's important to. Both names will be legally yours, so even if he makes flight reservations under Mrs. Hisname, you should still be good. Ditto anything you want to do under yur maiden name.

Aside: my boyfriend's mom has had four marraiges, and SIX last names. Maiden, four husband's, and after one divorce, she took her middle name because she felt her maiden didn't fit anymore. SIX!!!!

I think this differs from country to country, and culturally. I live in Quebec (Canada) and women are no longer allowed to legally change their last name when they get married unless they pay for it and place an add in a newspaper alerting creditors (lol, I'm not kidding!!!) It's generally accepted that once married, most people use their husbands names socially but not legally, since it's an expensive hassle to change it legally.

I think it's a very personal decision that doesn't really have anything to do with your husband. If you're set on keeping your name, then keep it legally and use his socially. I would think that a compromise would be to keep his socially and yours legally and professionally, but get announced at the wedding as Mr and Mrs. Hislastname, so that people will know that socially that's what you go by.

If I were you, I would compromise by keeping your last name as part of your name by hyphenating or keeping your last name on the professional/career side & letting him have the Mr. & Mrs. His Name at the wedding reception.

I hate that he is even giving you a hard time about even hyphenating it. I would never give up my maiden name. Good luck with that part & stick to your guns.

When I married, we were announced by his last name. However, I kept my maiden name as a second middle name (no hyphenating). My husband never assumed I would do anything differently.

GlowingMoon, FYI...Not all Christian religions are that way. I'm Pentecostal & my husband is Catholic. My sister also kept her maiden name as a middle & my MIL still strictly goes by her maiden name. I do have a friend like yours, though, but she is part of a really strict Pentecostal group. I guess it might depend on the severity of the teaching??? Not sure, just glad I'm not a part of that one!

You know, now I'm remembering some conversation my pastor was having with one of my uncles, at our rehearsal dinner. He was saying some mumbo jumbo about the woman taking the husbands name & leaving her maiden name behind, because it was her new identity/life or something like that. (Mind you, the pastor did not object to me keeping my maiden name. I think it was just a general conversation type thing.)

What I remember most is my dad saying that the pastor was full of poop (ok, he used the swear), later when we were home!

Also, if I ever had the need to use my name professionally (publications, etc.) I would definitely use my maiden name only. I don't have a good reason why, I just always know I would.

Again, good luck to you!

Why on earth would you marry such a man? If you two can't even figure out something as basic as what your last name will be after married, you might have to re-evaluate whether this marriage will work. He sounds stubborn and old-fashioned. It sounds like there might be more going on -- especially telling is your desire to maintain your own identity.

Are you not able to be yourself around him? Is he controlling and trying to make you bend to his will?

It sounds problematic to me, sweetie. I sincerely wish you the best of luck, regardless of what name you choose!

I'm such a traditionalist. I couldn't imagine NOT taking my beau's last name! I remember when I was younger always writing out in my notebook my first name with my boyfriend's last name a hundred times just to see how the name change would look.

I look SO forward to changing my last name to celebrate starting my new life with my new partner!

The author of this post has several scientific publications. Most women in science do not change their last names because it is important to be identified with your research. I knew a woman who changed her last name to please her husband, but then was still published and known professionally by her maiden name. This caused a lot of problems for her because when you book scientific conferences, airplane tickets and such- your real name is on there...so often your name tag at the conference won't have the correct name. Or the opposite will be true- an institution won't know that you have a different legal name and they'll book your airline reservations in the wrong name. It's a logisitical nightmare.

If you don't want to change your name- don't. I don't think it's a feminist thing, I think it's a personal thing. And because it's not even suggested that your future husband modify his name, it's not something you "compromise" on.

i must agree with all the ladies who said it's up to you but it seems like he's harping on the subject a lot. the whole name-changing thing began when women were handed off to a new family as their responsibility (it's a paraphrase but it's basically it). i have a full-time job myself so there's no reason for me to be "taken care" of. i'm very proud of my last name and i have no desire to change it. my fiance is a bit chapped over this as his last name is historically important (don't ask) and he's proud of it. i told him i'd hyphenate but only if he did...he doesn't want to so neither do i and it's resolved. just talk it out and if he can't at least understand where you're coming from, i'd be worried. sorry, dear.

its a personal choice, no?

in my culture, the wife doesnt take her husbands last name. basically, i am from "myLastName" family and marrying him doesnt change my family. and im very happy about that. im me and thats my name, i would hate to change it.

i love my husband to bits and pieces, but i dont think taking his name would prove that.

and at my wedding we were introduced by our first names, without prior planning even.

on rare occasions if we meet someone who doesnt know me but knows my husband, they;ll just refer to me as Madame or Mrs. HisLastName....thats just fine

I just wanted to thank everyone for suggestions thus far (I could care less about the whole anonymity thing... and people have already guessed it was me anyway since there aren't that many female scientists on this site). I'm not worried about the future -- I was really shocked when this whole name situation disaster occurred, since my fiance has never been controlling or chauvinistic or anything of the sort in the past. He just really wants me to take his name because he likes the idea of a cohesive family unit. I offered to hyphenate my name figuring his would at least be in there, but he's not pleased with the situation (I also pointed out the fact that we could both hyphenate our names, or pick a new name, but he has no interest; I think he feels attached to his name because his father passed away when he was very young).
If I was in any other field, I would go the route of changing my name legally but not professionally, but facin8me pointed out the exact reason why I can't. This happened to someone I know -- changed the name legally, kept her maiden name professionally, and when someone invited her to a conference to speak, they made the plane reservations under the name she uses in science. Everything was done last minute and she was just supposed to pick up the tickets at the airport and it never dawned on her that the name on the tickets did not match the name on the passport, and she couldn't get on the flight.
I've tried explaining the desire to not change my name due to publications to my fiance, but he just doesn't understand... I really think that if you're not directly in science, you don't understand the ties. Out of the women I work with, a HUGE majority have maintained their maiden names, a handful have hyphenated, and really the only ones I know that changed their names were all married while in graduate school and didn't have a publication record (I'm still in grad school too, but I do have some prior publications from undergrad research and my first year of grad school, plus more in the pipeline).
I think I'm going to wind up just doing what DearSugar suggested and not worrying about it until after the wedding. Truthfully, after we're married, we'll wind up living apart for a few years while he completes the next part of his residency and I'm finishing my degree, and we'll both be SO busy and working so many hours that even if I wanted to change my name, I don't think I'd have time to run around to all the proper offices to do it anyway. And then after so many years of not changing it, maybe he'll drop it altogether.

As someone who works in a research field- I have heard exactly what has been suggested. You keep your maiden name professionally but personally go by your husband. OR hyphenate so it is clear you are the same person. In my opinion, it is interesting how unrelenting your fiance is about what I think is really a personal choice for a female. Let him know you are not rejecting him but professionally it is important for your career to have your own last name. You agreed to marry him because you love him -not because you want his last name.

Sorry I posted while you were posting! Good idea about just letting it go for a bit. Im sorry your fiance is not compromising. I dont know how I would feel with a man who refused to compromise on something like this. I truly hope he isnt going to behave the same as future issues come up for your sake.

I have a friend in a similar situation - she went ahead and kept her name legally and professionally. However, when it comes to all other situation (as with the kids' school, etc) she is known as Mrs. Soandso. She and her hubby have been happily married for over 15 years and this has never been an issue to them. Good Luck!!

If I were you, I dont see any reason why you cant go along with your comprise both personally and professionally. On the wedding day, if it really means a lot to your fiance, I would give in to being introduced with his last name. Im sure your wedding day is designed mainly around how YOU want your day to be. If this one small thing would make him feel better, why not. I really doubt that your guests are going to hold you to that based solely on the wedding introduction.

I have to say that I have always been a "change your name you married him" kind of girl until I started thinking about how hard it is going to be when I get married in a few months to just up and change the name I've had for the last 20 something years. So far the only thing I can think of is hyphenating for a while to give myself a chance to get used to the new name and then slowly letting it change to his last name. maybe you could suggest soemthing like that to your fiance. Maybe he'll feel better about it if he can see that it's not about you not wanting to identify yourself with him.

I totally agree with lizzie_ttu.

he is not going to drop that matter-trust-perhaps you should drop him.

Honestly, it wasnt that big of a deal to get my name changed on everything, you can buy a kit online that gives you a check list and forms for things like passports and stuff like that. A lot of it just takes a phone call, like credit cards and such.

I say stall, your both going to be so busy anyway- obviously you can still be Mrs. yourlastname- that would let people know that you are in fact married, even if you dont take his last name right now (or ever). You have perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to change your name. My aunt just got remarried (she is in her 50's) and kept her maiden name- her first marriage she took his name- pretty sure it was for professional reasons, but it doesnt bother her that she gets mail addressed to Mr and Mrs Hislastname